I will be back tomorrow with regular posts. For today, I wanted to share my new blog called Your Bitcoin BMI. I am pretty excited about it.  Special thanks to E.L. for cleaning up the first post.

A Touch of Grey

Learning about investing and money markets is tough. I know retirement age and the quick slide into senility is appearing over the horizon like the Grateful Dead skull on top of your vintage VW bus. You are taking stock, depreciating in value faster than a Nissan Juke. You haven’t saved as much as you should have, and you didn’t listen when Alex Jones told you to buy gold.

Now the shelves of your fallout shelter are bare. The market is volatile, you still don’t know what bitcoin is, and your kids don’t return your text messages.

Never fear! As a certified personality appraiser, I am here to help. Over the next few weeks, I want to find out a little bit about you and your savings goals, but I know how motivating a little momentum can be, so I am going to give you some quick tips on what you can do right now to increase your resale value. With an open mind, a refrigerator lock,and minimal upfront cost, you can be on your way to exponentially increasing both your curb appeal and your bottom line!

Ready to get started? Great!

First and foremost, you are going to need to cultivate a new look. As everyone knows, the foundation is the most important, and that’s where shape wear comes in!

Look how happy she is knowing she is investing in her future self worth!


Am I an Apple or Mayor McCheese?

Find the Right Pants for Your Body Shape

I know, with the fruit-to-waist conversion charts, swiftly changing trends, and vanity sizing, finding clothes that fit your body type is confusing and hard! Technology has advanced to give us smart wearables to custom fit your clothes, but they can be pricey, and there is just not an established return on that investment yet.

Focus on stocking up on simple, classic silhouettes that never go out of style, and work on pretty much every body type.



Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.

Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.

You could start with the usuals: yoga, biking, hiking, learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling. Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested.

But don’t squander this opportunity to cultivate some mystery! Learn how to carve soap; eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally. Google and amateur message board experts will be with you every step of the way!


I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!


Still to Come this month!

  • Selling Yourself Wholesale

  • Finding Your Personal Brand by Face Shape

  • Using Tinder to Inflate Your Stock Price

  • Depreciation by Diagnosis Code

  • The Connection Between Russian Hackers and the Hidden Calories in Our Salads

  • Securities and Exchanges for Store Credit

  • Franchising

Published by Guinevere Han Derpants

Writer. Not waving but drowning. Don't worry, help is probably on the way.

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